It’s after 2am and I can’t sleep. I should be trying to sleep, or working on my paralegal work. I work for my wife as her paralegal drafting some documents. It’s not hard work, but it’s tedious. I comb through medical records for disability cases and put together the briefs for them finding their pertinient disabilities and records for the brief.
It pays ok, and I’m thankful to have this job so I can make some kind of money as I’m not really able to work a real job due to physical and mental limitations. I just am trying to get my creative things off the ground, such as this blog, so I don’t have to keep doing that kind of work. At the moment I’m nowhere close to that happening, but I’m plugging away.
This is my usual routine. I fall asleep around eleven or so then wake up around two or three than am up for a few hours, even while using my CPAP. I think my body and brain are just weird.
Though I don’t really mind this kind of schedule. There is a certain stillness being awake this time of day. My mother in law who is fighting cancer (her treatment is going extremely well) is sleeping in the other room and my wife is asleep on the couch across from me. We usually sleep in the living room as it’s just more comfortable in here and the AC works better here.
Maybe I’m rambling about too much information, but I’m also just trying to paint a picture of how I tick. When I work, I have my head phones on listening to my rock mix playlist. A blend of indie bands and The Pretty Reckless, Iron Maiden, INXS and some other bands I enjoy.
I’m funny when it comes to music. I’ll jam out to Olivia Rodrigo, Sabrina Carpenter or Blackpink in on minute, then rock out to Iron Maiden or The Pretty Reckless, or even Ghost minutes later. I used to be a music snob when I was younger and only listen to hard stuff. As I get older I think thats stupid. Life is to short to not listen to music we enjoy for our different moods.
I’m too old to care if someone calls me a poser. As I get older, music plays a much bigger role in my life. In my Swiftie era for several years, we couldn’t make it to the Eras Tour just due to high demand and we couldn’t afford to buy tickets on the secondary market.
Since movie away from hardcore Swiftie fandom, we’ve been to three concerts this year. The Pretty Reckless was a great show, almost a spiritual experience. We saw an indie band I found on Tik Tok called Gold Steps at a small club. That was a lot of fun as we were so close up to their show. Then, they work their own merch table, so got to chat with them after and take a picture with them. They are a cool bunch.
In a few weeks we are seeing Bowling for Soup which I’m excited about. I almost got tickets to see the girls group, The Warning in April 2027. But its standing only and their ADA seats were tucked way in the back. I just didn’t want to pay that kind of money and have a bad experience being tucked in the corner behind everyone, unable to see. I can’t stand for long periods, so it is what it is.
You may have noticed, this particular essay has no actual point. Or maybe it does, and I’m just not realizing it. I keep looking at the document I’m supposed to work on today, and it has a ton of medical records, so I put it off as it feels overwhelming. Its weird when you think about it.
Out of High School I joined the U.S. Marines and served for 4 years driving a tank. I worked as a corrections officer for six years after, then as a mental health technician in a psychiatric center for five years. I worked as a nurses aide, then a cell phone store manager, owned my own cell phone store, I mean I’ve done a lot of high stress jobs and long hours for most of my life.
For the last ten years I’ve been self employed on some level. First as an author, then other things to keep going before doing this paralegal gig for my wife for the last 3-4 years. It’s like somewhere amid all the high paying and high stress jobs my brain broke. Now, I can barely drive without having a panic attack. Let alone work some job with people yelling at me.
Being yelled at really messes me up. I either freak out and crumble, or I get angry and lash out. I guess that’s my bipolar disorder. Many years ago, I could de-escalate things, I could talk people into things, or think on my feet. Now, when things to bad or get complicated, I have to really focus to hold it together.
I’m not sure what happened to me or when, its sad. I think of my 20 yr old step son in college. He’s a good kid and sensitive to how I am and helps with things a lot. I just feel bad he has only ever seen me as old and broken. He never knew me when I was young, strong and confident, ready to conquer the world. He’s only seen me after being chewed up and spit back out by life.
Same with his older sister and my oldest daughter who now lives with her mom in Arizona. I suppose I’m not unique here. Our kids don’t really know us until they are older, and by then we are a shadow of our former selves. I’m just glad he doesn’t think I’m some loser.
Just goes to show, how life really isn’t fair. In the scheme of things, none of us ask to be here. A lot of how we succeed in life depends on the hand we are dealt both socially and physically. I’m not trying to sound like a downer. Just having some deep thoughts.
On a more positive note, we have things like music to get us through. I think of the hardest parts of my life and worse moments of depression when I was barely holding on, and it was music getting me through it. Everything from Taylor Swift, to Seether and even Metallica, though I don’t listen to them much anymore for various reasons. Mainly I’ve just kind of outgrown them.
We outgrow a lot of things, and one may think I should outgrow my idea at 52 years old of being a successful blogger/writer/artist at this point. Maybe I’m living a delusion or maybe I just need something to cling to. I saw someone post on Threads awhile back, that if you’re over 40 and still pursuing some dream you need to grow up and face reality.
I wonder if this person realizes just how quickly 40 and 50 can sneak up on you. I know most of my 20’s and 30’s were spent providing for other people. I worked 2 jobs at some points 14-18 hours a day many days. Maybe that’s why my brian broke. I still do my best, but its hard.
I hope I don’t sound like a downer here. I’m pretty happy with our family and the life we have being able to work from home and go on adventures and take care of our family. I just reflect on how strong I used to be both mentally and physically. I still have a lot of strengths, though some days its just not as obvious. This is why I write. To download some of my expereince and life lessons into a tangible story or essay that may help someone else.
I guess the old saying is true, Life is what you make it. Though, sometimes you are what life makes you. Our experiences and choices shape us, sometimes permenantly. We don’t control what gets thrown at us or how our body responds. Only how our mind reacts. I’m a pretty positive person as a whole and always try to see the good in things, or the next steps to take to work through a problem.
I used to be more negative before my diagnosis and I think thats why at times negative circumstances would spiral. Because I would spiral and just crash everything around me. Now, I try to see beyond the problem at hand and search for a solution or a way to pivot around it. I guess in one way, my broken brain has healed into that part at least.
In the end, I don’t have some fluffy shiny solution to all of lifes problems. I manifest, I think positive and do a lot of things you’re supposed to do. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t. I plow through it regardless and do my best. We all are and most of us have been in survival mode for quite awhile at this point.
If you are questioning where you are in life, just know you are doing great and doing your best. Don’t let the hyper capitalist society or social media highlight reels make you feel like a failure.
This has been my biggest lesson over the years. Don’t compare myself to what I see people sharing on social media. And don’t think I’m a failure just because I haven’t won at capitalism. If anything, my wife and I dropped out of the rat race, and we are still doing pretty good. That’s a win in itself.
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