This has been the hardest thing for me to learn as an adult. I’m 52 and still wrestle with this. I’m doing better, but there are certain things in my life over the years after my divorce, failed businesses and other situations I struggle to even forgive myself for, let alone not talk shit to myself.
The fact is, it is easy to say positive mantras and believe in myelf and all that when things are good. The hard part is when I screw something up. Recently I almost lost my mother in law’s debit card when I took her car in to get a new battery. Instantly the angry thoughts to myself ran through my head.
When I’ve been really angry at myself after an epic screw up, I’ve been known to hit myself in the head or even punch myself in the face. This may sound funny to some, but it scares the crap out of people arond me when it happens. It’s neither good nor healthy. I think I do it because I think its a way of punishing myself.
Years ago I signed up for Muay Thai classes as a way to try and lose weight. Which I did. I also took Jiu jitsu and MMA classes for a couple years and lost around 50 pounds. I ended up breaking my ribs and had to quit, it was fun, but really really hard.
Once again, I think I did it as a form of self punishment. I felt like I was a bad person in general for not being successful and also for being fat. So, I felt this was a way of punishing myself. By doing extremely hard martial arts and getting punched in the face regularly.
It’s a strange pathology and I’m sure there is a term for it, but I don’t know what it is. I am doing better about it and haven’t really hit myself in a good while, so hopefully that will continue. That said, the self trash talk does continue when I make a mistake.
I won’t list all the things I call myself, but one thing I know is that successful people don’t do those things. They are confident and positive. They still have hardships, but they don’t take it out on themselves.
I’ve talked about some of this in my blogs about manifestation and such, but your words are spells. They call it spelling for that very reason. When you talk shit about yourself, you are essentially cursing yourself. Your negative thoughts and energy are going right back on you. Why do we do that to ourselves?
I know why for me. I grew up a timid kid with a lot of adults around me and older kids telling me how stupid I was. So, over time I started to believe it. Turns out those people were insecure and threatened by me most likely. So, they had to drag me down to keep me from surpassing them.
So what do we do? How do we stop berating ourselves at the first sign of a small misstep. I wish I had an answer. I’ve tried to get into the habit of saying positive things about myself when things are going well or just daily as a practice. I don’t write in my journal as much as I need to, but when I do, I write down some good things about myself.
I am good
I am smart
I am worthy of good things
I will be successful
I don’t know if these are manifestations so much, but I try to put good things out there about myself hoping that good things will return to me. Which is funny because ever since I started therapy, I’m extremely positive to other people. I’m always encouraging others and always lifting other people up and making people feel better about themselves.
But when it comes to me, I’ll punch myself in the face and call myself the worst names in the book at the first sign of a mistake. Yes, I have thought about ending my life, more times than I can count. But I have held on this long and don’t intend on going anywhere anytimes soon.
It is really hard undoing 40 years of verbal abuse and negativity, but I’m working hard on it. Not a day goes by I don’t think about these things and try to pivot it into a positive.
The thing to remember is, all those people who said awful things to you, as well as that voice in your head saying horrible shit is and was lying to you. You are not a failure and you are none of those things your head is telling you. The world needs you in it and you are a great person. In case anyone needed to hear that today.
When I was a tech at a psychiatric center, positive self talk was something we worked hard on with clients. You can’t tell me that verbal abuse isn’t as bad and in some cases worse than physical abuse. Its not a contest, but physical wounds heal much faster than mental wounds.
When someone would tell me how stupid I was, my brain recorded that like it was on an SSD drive, and would play it back in my head over and over and over on a loop until I started to believe it. Now, I’m trying to erase that drive and overwrite it with good things. It just takes time. And that is your best friend. Time and yourself, your will to survive and your will to win is what will put you over the line into success and happiness.
It may take medication, meditation or maybe a hobby or two to help you along the way. There are lots of things, but you will turn it around. Maybe I’m saying “you” and I mean “me” but we all need it I think.
I need to show the same love and encouragement to myself as I have to everyone else. I deserve at least that much. We all do. I need to get back to writing down my positive self words. And try to remember even when I’m writing this blog and digging up old crap, I’m a good person, and I will do good things. So will you. Just remember to be your own best friend.
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