My sleep schedule is weird. I usually sleep better since I started using my CPAP again, but some nights are funny. Tonight I woke up around 2:30 and just couldn’t fall back to sleep. I usually listen to music when I sleep and that varies from night to night. Tonight I was listening to a mixed playlist, but once I was awake, I put on my Al1ce play list. They are an indie goth/darkwave band. Their music has something special about it. It puts me into this trancelike state where I see and feel things I normally can’t tap into on my own. This painting tonight was one of them.
Usually when I paint on my tablet, I don’t have any real direction. I call it intuitive painting as it just comes from either some level of subconsciousness or from another dimension, I’m not sure. I’m open to either or both. This particular digital painting I haven’t named yet and not sure it requires a name. Nor do I intend to interpret this or explain it. That is for you, the viewer. I just want to talk about my process and headspace.
I know I talk about mental health, and I discuss my bipolar a lot. Many times, I see and feel things I can’t explain. Some would call that mania, and I know mania plays a part. But other times, I feel my condition opens me up to things we can’t always explain. I know with my dreams over the years I’ve become convinced are portals into alternate dimensions.
There have been times in my dreams I had a memory, IN the dream of an event that never actually happened. So how did I remember it? What was my brain trying to tell me or was this a memory I had from another timeline and the different versions of myself are crossing over in my sleep? Heavy things to think about.
As far as this entity in my painting, I’m not sure where this fits in. Usually when I see things like spirits in my sleep or even awake, its never straight on. It’s always catching something out of the corner of my eye. I can’t always see or feel what it is, but with the help of Al1ce’s music, it all began to take shape. There is a haunting and mystical vibe to their music I don’t feel with anyone else, and they really open up things in my brain.
This does have an inverted pentagram above its head, and I know that really freaks some people out. I’m not sure why I put that there. I don’t get the vibe that this thing is Satanic, but I don’t really believe in the devil like most people do. It’s more of a sense of this thing can be dangerous or maybe deceptive, like it will try to reach out to you, but have ulterior motives. Just some things I’m spit balling here. In the end, as you look at it, you’ll have to decide on your own what all this means.
I just know as I drew this, and even as I write this blog, I’ve been in almost a trancelike state. No, I didn’t do any weed tonight. I’ve actually backed off a lot on my gummy usage. My regular medication doesn’t trip me out like some past meds have. This is just all my brain and music working in tandem to form something weird. I know everyone has a different creative process, and this is mine. I do not’ know how some people spend months or a year working on a painting. Once I start, I cannot stop until it’s done. Though I don’t have the level of details some people put in. My brain does not function on such a micro level of detail. It more puts the art out there than wants to talk about the why of it all. I’m usually not at a loss for words, but I have difficulty explaining it all. Maybe someone out there can relate.
Anyway, this turned into more of a public journal entry than an actual blog post or essay. I hope it connects with someone reading this. I just wanted to show, not everything we create has to be perfect and polished. Some of our best work comes from the raw depths of our mind without being overproduced. In the age of AI and influencers and things, I feel like some raw authenticity and riffing is welcome versus the sanitized and pristine creations we see out there. imperfection is our perfection. We should never be ashamed of that. It’s not a weakness, but one of our biggest strengths. It’s ok to lean into it. Those parts of yourself you think make you weird or messy or imperfect are actually your best parts. They make you unique, special and magical. Don’t be afraid to put it all into your art and see what happens.
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