For several years I was a hardcore Swftie. I still love Taylor Swift and her music, I just don’t obsess over everything like I did for awhile. I talk about that in my blog on Celebrity worship. However, I admire her a lot and take her wisdom to heart. A few years ago she was on her now husband’s New Height’s Podcast. In it, she said something quite profound about wasting time on people who drain you.
Your energy is a luxury. Not everyone can afford it.
This really stuck with me for a few reasons. For one, I have been a people pleaser most of my life. Either through my neurodivergence, or conditioning, but I always feel the need to try and make everyone around me happy no matter what.
The problem is, most of these people don’t give a shit about me, nor would they piss on me if I were on fire. So why do I care so much about pleasing them?
I look back at my friendships over the years. I would spend tons of energy pouring into one-sided friendships or pursuing relationships with people who just didn’t care if I came or went. Then you have people who because of my neurodivergence and quirky personality who like the idea of me until it becomes inconvenient to them. They like how I make them feel, but when its time to help me or pour into me in some way then its “emotional labor”. It’s too much work, not enough time and then the ghosting starts.
I could probably write a whole thing trying to explore why I do this. I think I just value others more than they value me, or value anyone else for that matter. The thing is, it hit home to me what Taylor said. I need to put a premium on my energy.
At the end of the day, I think I’m a pretty good person. I care about others, I help others and try to make others feel better about life in general. Those are all pretty great qualities to have. Why would I just give that away to someone who doesn’t give a shit?
Why do we continue to reach out to friends or try to maintain friendships with people who pride themselves on being inaccessible. I mean, they clearly value their energy to a point they won’t share it with anyone else. Yet they expect you to share yours. Truth is, I don’t know why we do this other than we value others and try to hold on to things based on how a past friendship may have been without wanting to accept the dynamics have changed.
Another issue is seeing the value in ourselves. When Taylor said that my first thought was “Me? Really?” like I can see why Taylor Swift would say her energy is a luxury. She is a famous and seems like a really cool person. I’m sure everyone in the world wants her time and attention.
I’m just some middle aged goofball. But believe it or not, we each have a light in us. Some are brighter than others. People see that light and art attracted to it. The brighter the light, the more people it attracts. The problem is, most don’t want to invest anything into it. They want to feel the warmth and benefit from it, without having to give anything back. Including their own time and attention. Its a form of emotional vampirism that has gotten way too common among adults in recent years.
I find it very hard to cut people off, or to not reach out or check on someone I hadn’t heard from in awhile. I don’t know why that is, as long as I can remember I’ve been this way. Maybe its a fear of abandonment, or I’m not sure what. One thing I do know is I need to focus less on the people who don’t care about me and more on the people who make an effort to show they care.
One thing I noticed is this is a trend of creative people in general. I have a lot of artist and creative friends, and I see many times they are upset or spinning out because a random person or even someone they thought was a friend, said something shitty about their art or didn’t support one of their shows or events. Fact is, when it comes to our art, many times people who have known us for years won’t ever give two shits. People I knew from years ago sometimes ask me “How is that little art and writing thing going you been doing?” Like its some cute hobby.
I mean, I get it, I’m 52 years old and trying to live out a dream of blogging and making art full time. Maybe I’m delusional and need to grow up, but I’m doing the work and trying something. I think the reason people who know us the longest act this way is because they never had the guts to pursue their dreams, so they are just bitter it will never happen. They see you and see what they could be doing, so they have to be passive agressive and shitty about it.
But here is the cool thing I learned way too late. We don’t need to tolerate that bullshit. Anyone who doesn’t take us seriously or show support to us does not deserve our energy or attention. Now, if its close family that doesn’t mean you need to cut them off. But we also don’t need to give them a priority in our lives either.
Who we definitely do not owe a single second of our energy to trolls on the internet who talk shit to us, are committed to misunderstanding us or insist we defend our art, music or writing because of things they are wanting to argue in bad faith. Block block block those morons without even a response.
I had one former friend I knew in real life and we used to get along great, but suddenly he would only comment on my posts to argue nonsense or play “devil’s advocate” on things I was passionate about. When I called him on it and threatened to block him he went on some tangent how I must not believe in free speech. I ended up blocking him anyway. Removing someone from your life who is just draining your energy isn’t “censorship”. You are not the government, and stupid people don’t have a right to your energy. Plus I looked at his page and no one there would engage with him, which is why he felt the need to jump on my Facebook to argue. It was the only way he could get attention.
Once I took what Taylor said to heart, it has made it a lot easier to cut out the energy vampires. It can still be hard though. Especially when it’s someone who used to be a better friend who suddenly decides to withdraw into a one-sided friendship. You think of the past and how things used to be, and hope to see it return to that one day, but it almost never does. And its not worth the energy of trying to hang on. It’s ok to just cut it off, they will be fine. Most likely they won’t even notice you are gone. Which is probably for the best for everyone involved. Protect your piece and your greatest assest, your heart and your energy. Until someone proves they can afford the down payment, the bare minimum to be worthy of access to you, they don’t deserve a minute of your time or an inch of space in your brain.
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