Self-awareness is a valuable tool. Though too much may be problematic, or not. Growing up I wasn’t very self-aware at all. If anything I was pretty clueless about how I came across and of my own quirks. Even as a younger adult, I had no clue. I have always been a big guy. I’m six feet tall and have always been around the 250-300 pound range.
To me, I’m just me some goofy guy who says and does silly things to entertain myself. What I wasn’t aware of is how that came across to other people it turns out, some of the things I thought were cute or funny over the years ended up seeming weird or creepy to others.
In my undiagnosed and bipolar brain, I often thought I was being funny and provocative. Being this way cost me a few jobs in my younger years and got me into trouble at others. It likely also cost me some friendships and no telling what other opportunities. I touched on some of this before in other essays, but not to this extent.
There were times I even thought I may be giving someone a compliment, but really it came out as creepy or made them uncomfortable. I had no idea why people responded that way to me, as I always knew who I was and what my intentions were. But I found out years later that some folks wove together entire back stories about me based on things I’d said or how I came across.
I will admit it is weird hearing someone else’s perception of you or what they think you are about when you know none of that is the case, but your actions have gvien them reason to think of you the way they do.
As I talked about before, around 2020 a lot of this and my mania came to a head and I went into crisis. I didn’t go inpatient, though I maybe should have for a few days. I got into therapy at least and we started the work. The biggest eye opening thing to me was learning how others percevied me and to take that into consideration.
After a few years of inner work, the self-awareness began to show. Now, I wonder if I over compensated. I rarely say anything without over thinking of how it may come across to others and every possible scenario. I often apologize for how I may have come across event when no offense was taken. Especially around women friends. I know women put up with more weird shit from men than anyone. And I know I’ve made women uncomfortable in the past with my attempt at edgy humor and such, only to sounds like some creepy weirdo.
Now my humor is much more wholesome as well as my interactions. But the overthinking is always there. Is it overkill? Probably. Sometimes. I don’t know. It goes back to also learning I’m autistic. I don’t always know how to gauge other people’s reactions, especially online or via text. I can’t always tell if someone is joking or if they are trying to be mean.
Instead of lashing out like I used to, I try to assume good intentions or flat out ask “I’m not sure what you mean by that.” which oddly sometimes upsets people in itself. One thing about being self-aware, is I’ve also gotten more direct. While I mind my own interactions if someone says something upsetting to me, I’m more likley to just say “You know, that was kind of upsetting to me, could you not say things like that going forward?” which oddly enrages some people.
I had a couple long time friends block me on Facebook when I simply asked them not to be rude to me or others on my page. They said I was being oversensitive and couldn’t take a joke. Its ironic, because before I was more self-aware, this was what I thought of people who got upset with me.
The funny thing is, these people are all my age round about. Being self-aware isn’t always a bad thing. I try to take others’ safety into consideration. Last summer, I was at an art show by myself. It was about a half a mile walk by myself to my car along the city’s riverwalk at night.
At times women would walk or jog past me alone. I made it a point to look down and being a big guy, I tried to slouch my shoulders a bit and just make myself look as non-threatening as possible. Maybe this was a silly thing to think or do, but many of my female friends have told me about creepy guys following them, staring at them or harassing them when they were out walking alone. Even though I didn’t know these ladies, I wanted them to know they were safe in my vicinity.
Once again, maybe I’m overthinking all of this. I just know when I learned years ago I had hurt or frightened people I had cared about, I now do my best not to do that. I just wish I could do something about the over thinking or constantly apologizing. I find myself apologizing for things I had nothing to do with. Or for a perceived interaction. Like someone told me once before, I’m like this giant energy squeezed into a human body just trying to figure out how I fit in. Sometimes my enthusiasm for an artist, musician or actor on the indie scene come across as strange or too much and I scare people. Now, I’ve actually warned some creators, “Hey I love your work. I’m just a very enthusiastic person. I’ll try not to weird you out.”
I also think somewhere along the way aloofness has become cool and excitment is cringe. So, when people seem excited or passionate about something people say its creepy or cringe. I think it can be if the excitement crosses boundaries or becomes intrusive. But I think most creators would or should appreciate someone showing love for their work. Being neurodivergent, the tricky part is finding that balance. Everything is a balancing act, and my words are the high wire on which I must traverse through life. Some days are harder than others, but I feel like I’m slowly figuring things out.
Leave a Reply