Making your illness work in your favor when your brain hates you
Committing to my goal of being a full-time blogger and artist has been tricky. For one, I still work my regular job of a stay-at-home paralegal. I write legal documents for my wife as contract work for bigger law firms. It pays ok and allows me the freedom to pursue other things, but its rather tedious and not what part of my long term goals. If I can get Subtack to go, then I will run with it.
I spent a couple years trying to sell art full time, and that was way harder than anything I have ever done. The art part was easy. Mind you a lot of my art is abstract or kinda weird looking. I would get a lot of compliments on it at shows. I just don’t think most people know what to do with it.
I also think in the current economy when gasoline is 4.00 a gallon people just aren’t spending a lot of money on things like art. Since I started this blog, I’ve picked up a few paid subscribers, which means the world to me. I deeply appreciate everyone who supports me, and it tells me this goal is workable if i keep at it.
The tricky part is coming up with stuff to say. I mean, I don’t get out much. I work from home and am usually annoyed with people when I have to go out. But this is where bipolar mania can be a superpower. My brain literally never shuts the fuck up. I have something stupid churning in that noggin 24/7. It kind of annoying, but writing things out helps me to clear my head.
I’ve talked before how I used to write horror books and self publish them full time. The books were awful. Lots of gore and not much story and I’m rather embarassed by the whole bit anymore. Plus I had a personal blow up that was really humilating and hurt a lot of people in the process. It all led me to just take everything out of print and start over. It’s kind of weird I had this whole body of work I just took out of existence, and don’t even like to talk about, yet it accounted for almost 10 years of my life. Now, that time is just a weird black hole.
What it was, however, was a learning process. I don’t want to romanticize my crash out. It was bad. But through it, I discovered my bipolar, found my spiritual path through witchcraft and reconnected with my family. Sometimes we have to almost lose everything to truly find ourselves, even when its mostly our own fault. I wish I could have figured all that out without the crashout.
The problem with mania and bipolar disorder is you don’t know what you don’t know. I wondered for many years why I thought and acted and said the things I did. I would tell myself that was it, I wasn’t going to say nutty things anymore, then find myself doing it on impulse. I had no idea why. I had no filter at all and couldn’t figure out how to make one.
Once I learned I had bipolar disorder I was like “oooooohhhhh”. It all made sense then and explained a trail of personal destruction that went back to grade school. Now, I’ve been on medication for about 6 years and spent years in therapy and just over all working on myself. I’ve been quite stable for a good while now. I do have bad days, but I’ve learned to sense those things coming on and withdraw when I need to in order to protect myself from myself.
Bipolar may be one of the ugliest mental illnesses. People think it can be fun and quirky, but its scary. You get thoughts of self harm, anger, strange feelings of euphoria, the urges to take crazy risks, hypersexuality and the list can go on. None of what I mentioned is good if left unchecked and will cost you everything if you don’t reel it in. Knowing when these things are popping up helps. I have as needed emergency meds I can take when needed, or text my therapist or just turn off my electronics and close my eyes and disappear inside of my own head for awhile until I’m grounded again.
It’s a lot of work and here’s the thing. It’s ongoing, every day. There is no end point. I’ll never reach a day when I’ll be “cured” as much as I want to. The meds aren’t fun, they make me sleepy, give me brain fog and weight gain. I ballooned out a lot over the years from the meds. GLP-1s and exercise and even surgery helped a little bit for a short time, but the weight always comes back. I’m kind of resigning that I will always be pretty chubby, but I’m mentally stable which is more important for me.
I’ve tried coming off the meds. I’ve tried herbal supplements, pot, and meditation, but every time I have to get back on the medication. Nothing works the same way this does. I’ve looked into other psych meds, and they all have the same side effects. So, I cope and write and try to make the best of everything.
I want to make one more note about mania. The worst part is how you remember everything. You say and do the most bonkers shit. People think you are an absolute weirdo, and you find yourself apologizing like crazy and feeling levels of humiliation you didn’t think was possible. It’s during these times you have to fight off the suicidal ideation, because it feels like at that point everyone would just be better off if you weren’t here. It is important that you understand, this is a lie. This is your broken brain and intrustive thoughts lying to you.
Like I said, Bipolar is scary. I’ve had a lot of self proclaimed mental health advocates turn on me once I talked about or displayed symptoms. They only support things like depression and anxiety. If it gets too real or scary, then they are out and want you even further out. Once again, ignore those people. You are unique and special, mental illness be damned and any “advocate” who shits on your for being sick can just go get fucked.
In the end, you have to take care of yourself. A support system is good and its great to have people around you who will hold you accountable. But it’s important that you have your own system and routines, and recognize when your own symptoms are sneaking up on you.
This essay when in a direction i didn’t expect, but I like where it went. I hope someone finds this piece helpful and I will say getting this all out of my head has been helpful for me. If you’re reading this and have ever felt any of the above symptoms, I highly suggest talking to someone and getting control of your mind and your health. Once you know what you’re dealing with, the dragon is much easier to ride.
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