First off, no one has died recently. Everyone is fine. I was up early this morning reflecting on some weird things like I normally do, and it led me down this nostalgic rabbit hole.
In about 2017, my mom passed away. She had heart surgery about a year before but had complications ever since. Due to sepsis and other issues, her organs shut down and they couldn’t save her at 76.
I was pretty upset, as I was close to my mom even though I lived in Texas and she was in Indiana.
So we traveled back to Indiana, and the whole process made me realize how absurdly we treat death here in the United States.
My dad handled the arrangements, but that was already hard enough for him. Then, the day before her funeral, we had to hold a four-hour visitation.
This part is the thing I find most ridiculous.
We are emotionally wrecked, yet we have to entertain strangers or people we haven’t seen in 30 years. They are going to be judging how we’re dressed and how we’re acting.
Are we sad enough? Are we acting too sad?
One couple came up to me to argue about how she died. Mind you, I didn’t even know these people.
I told them she’s 76, had quadruple bypass surgery, and her body couldn’t take it.
The guy was like, “I did too, and I’m the same age! I’m fine!”
Like, congratulations? You want to trade places with her? What is the goal here?
I just shrugged and said, “Good for you, I guess?”
It was like they wanted me to reassure them that they would be fine. It was really weird.
My older brother, who passed away a few years later, was walking around literally working the room like it was a real estate convention, greeting people and handing out business cards.
I did get a visit from one of my best friends from elementary school, so that was a nice part of the night.
Then one guy I’d never seen in my life came up asking if my uncle had been by. My uncle, mind you, who had cut himself off from the family almost 40 years ago.
When I told him I had no clue, he was like, “Are you sure? Is he still in Michigan? Do you have a phone number?”
Like, does he owe you money? Are you a hit man? Why are you asking a grieving family to track down weird family members?
I found out later this uncle had died about a year before.
I hope that clown is still looking for him.
I guess this goes back centuries. My dad grew up Amish, and in his Amish community, they would have funerals and things in their own homes and had to cook meals.
Which is another thing.
After the funeral, we have to feed everyone.
Why aren’t people buying us dinner? We’re the grieving ones.
For my mom, we just did dinner with my dad and immediate family. We simply couldn’t afford a big dinner for everyone.
When my father-in-law died, though, we had a dinner at Bill Miller Bar-B-Q, and on my wife’s side I noticed her relatives always have a wake at a local restaurant. I’m not sure if this is a Texas thing or a Catholic thing. I grew up Baptist, and I don’t want to knock anyone’s traditions.
I just don’t get why the grieving family has to pay for everyone on top of the funeral and other expenses.
I’m not going to dive into old funeral traditions, as that could be a whole book. I’m just sharing my own observations here.
I don’t know what the best way would be to bury someone, but this all just feels really off.
When I die, I don’t want my family to feel obligated to do any of these things.
I used to want to be cremated, but now I lean toward a green burial with minimal fanfare. Immediate family and friends. I don’t care if someone I talked to 40 years ago shows up to make things about them somehow.
I guess this whole thing is supposed to help with grieving?
I realize death rituals are more for the family than the deceased. They’re supposed to help people through the process.
But I don’t know how entertaining, feeding, and being judged by strangers helps anything.
I’d rather sit around with my family, talk about our memories of the person, and maybe write about how I’m feeling. Not go through a whirlwind of grief and stress.
Am I alone in this?
I can’t be the only one who thinks this.
Anyway, those are my early-morning thoughts. Share your own experiences and opinions in the comments. No judgment. I just wonder if anyone else has ever felt this way.
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